


Took Himself Away

by Salahra



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Insanity, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-25
Updated: 2011-08-25
Packaged: 2017-10-23 03:31:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/245822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salahra/pseuds/Salahra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He’ll never listen to you if you’re mad, you know.  He’ll be afraid of you.  He’ll run from you.  He’ll leave you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Took Himself Away

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully not AU, but I haven't seen all of the classic series, and I had to fiddle with the timelines a bit to make them work.

_He can’t hear it._  

 

That single sentence pulsed through Koschei’s head with every beat of the drums. 

 

 _He can’t hear it, and now he’ll never believe you._

 

He slowly raised himself from the bathroom floor, hastily wiping the tears from his face with the corner of his robe.  This was supposed to be the day it ended.  This was supposed to be the day that everything was all right again.  Now… would it ever be all right?  He couldn’t think of that.  It was finally the day of the Doctor’s initiation, and he would be damned if he was going to be anything less than supportive… on the outside.  It wasn’t like anyone, even, well, _anyone_ , was going to hear his thoughts.

 

 _Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it._

 

The voice in his head was undoubtedly, soul-crushingly correct.

 

 

He’d been believed at first, of course. 

When Koschei had gone off for his own initiation, his wide-eyed, younger companion had been nearly vibrating with pride and vicarious excitement.  Koschei was going to look into the schism.  Koschei would be brave.  Koschei would be the boy’s hero, like he always had been.  Koschei would grow up overnight, and would continue, forever, to be worthy of a little boy’s worship.  They said that some people went mad.  Koschei wouldn’t.

 

Koschei did.

 

Of _course_ he was fine.  He hadn’t been weak.  He hadn’t let a little boy down.  He was the strong one, the stable one.  He never felt like running (and the boy was always running) away and never coming back.  He never woke, screaming, in the middle of the night, just because of something that his time sense picked up while he slept.  He wasn’t the one who had to take his initiation late, due to the elders fearing for his sanity (something to do with those dreams).  He was the calm one, the comforting one, and now… Now he heard drums.  They pounded, rhythmically, ceaselessly against the inside of his skull, but he wasn’t mad.  No, the drums were _in_ his head, not _from_ his head.  They were coming from the schism, they were real, and he could prove it.  The little boy only had to wait for his turn.  He was still the sane one, the reliable one, the one to run to when you were afraid, still _Koschei_.  The drums were real, so he was still the same as he had always been.  _They_ were still the same.

 

Then, there was doubt.

 

The boy who would become the Doctor grew up, and Koschei, his wonderful Koschei, ceased to be infallible.  He was no longer the divine protector that he had been.  He was fragile- and the boy _knew_.  They had grown closer than ever, more intimate than ever, and now- now it was a relationship of equals.  Now neither was master of the other, and Koschei found that he didn’t really mind.  The Doctor worried.  The Doctor wanted to help.  The Doctor _always_ wanted to help.  Koschei had decided on the title after the Doctor bugged him for what must have been the millionth time about the drums.  They had been lying together, just talking, the younger boy’s head resting on his chest, when he had failed to suppress a wince.  It was a headache.  He always had headaches now.  Those drums were too damn loud.  Now, the Doctor doubted him.  The Doctor thought he might be mad.  He should take something for the pain: Doctor’s orders.

 

Koschei would prove that he was sane.  The Doctor only had to listen for himself.

 

Now he had, and they weren’t there.

 

 _He’ll never listen to you if you’re mad, you know.  He’ll be afraid of you.  He’ll_ run _from you.  He’ll_ leave _you._

There was a knock on the door.

 

Koschei picked himself up rather hastily and ran to the mirror, desperately running his hands over his face and through his hair in an attempt to hide his weakness.  He hadn’t been crying.  He was fine.

 

“Koschei?”

 

It was the Doctor.  Of course it was the Doctor.  It was _always_ the Doctor.

 

“Koschei, it’s okay, really.”  He had opened up the door, just a crack. 

 

Koschei was fine.

 

“I mean- I still like you and all, even if you’re mad.  I can help, maybe.  It’s not your fault, after all.  It still _happened_ to you.  I- I do believe in you.”

 

“You believe _in_ me?”  Even Koschei himself was surprised by the sneer in his voice.   “…but you don’t _believe_ me, right?”

 

“I didn’t hear it.”

 

“Then maybe you’re the crazy one.  I’m not.  I am _not_ insane.”

 

“I know, I know, but maybe I can find a way to fix it, to fix you, now that we know it’s not-”

 

“No one is going to _fix_ me.”

 

The voice in his head, the inner voice that no one was supposed to hear, that voice was talking now.  The anger built and built, pulsating with the drums behind his eyes, and he couldn’t stop himself.  He couldn’t stop his own mind from pushing his best and only friend, his _lover_ , away.  All Koschei could do was watch.

 

“ _I’m_ not _broken_.  _I’m_ not _insane_.  _You’re not going to take care of me._ ”

 

“You’re not yourself.  Y- you don’t sound right.  _Please_ , Koschei, just let me help.”

 

“You’re not going to do anything for me.  I’m not going to submit to someone like _you._   If you forget, I’ve always been the one in charge.  I’m in charge.  I’m the _Master._ ”

 

All Koschei could do was watch.  The _Master_ was in control now.  And what glorious control it was.

  
The Master didn’t care as the Doctor stared at him in wide-eyed terror, terror that he used to soothe away.  The Master didn’t mind as the Doctor ran, always running, from the room, desperately trying (and failing, the Master noted with satisfaction, Koschei with horror) to hide his own tears.  Of course the Master wasn’t upset when he learned, some years later, that his old friend had stolen a TARDIS and left Gallifrey for good.  The Master didn’t care, but Koschei did, and they were one and the same.   Koschei vowed to find the man he loved, and bring him back, no matter the cost.  The Master vowed to never cede control, and to kill the man who took his love away.

 

 …but after all, the Doctor took himself away.


End file.
